I have decided that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will be a dentist, a GP, an optometrist, and a barber.

It's obviously not about pain for me (unless Sweeney Todd has really gotten into my head), but I'm not sure what it is about. Probably these are four people I have an obligation to visit and am constantly avoiding that obligation. So, it's just guilt?

Whatever. I decided to add to my collection of horsemen this week by visiting the barber this morning. (The dentist told me that I have to see my GP to get permission to clean my teeth without antibiotics, and I got a card from my optometrist, so they're both on my list.) I don't know what's happened, but my barber has gotten all chatty Cathy on me. I like my barbers surly and quiet. The best barber I ever had was in Glasgow. You sat down and said, "number two cut." He razored your head. You were done. No chit-chat.

The barber down behind Dominoes used to be good along these lines. He'd ask what you want, cut a little and ask for validation, and then shut up the rest of the time. I liked that. I don't want conversations about the weather while scissors are clicking in my ears. I want my hair cut. But today, he was all "weather's getting warmer" and "how are you?" and junk.

Then he said, "You want it short all over?" (I like it very close-cropped so I don't get helmet hair from biking.) "You want it a little longer on top?" "You sure you don't want it a little longer on top?" "Maybe just a little bit?"

Look, I know I'm going bald. Just cut my hair.

The real problem with these people is that they're reminding me that I'm marching -- neigh, I'm running -- toward an appointment with the grave. And I'm not allowed to cancel.

3 thoughtful messages from friendly readers:

lacochran said...

I'm so with you. I hate hair cutters that see your appointment as an opportunity to blather on. Worse still, is the cutter who's just had a bad break up and is venting whilst stabbing at your hair with the scissors. At that point, I definitely try to infuse some weather banter or get the hell out of there.

fiona said...

Hairdressers are the four in one deal as far as I'm concerned. I'd much rather go to the dentist, Dr, wherever.
Have you seen that "Tabitha" chick on T.V.? Devil Incarnate!

weirdtales said...

I'm about to go get a bunch of my hairs cut right now, I tell the them to cut off all the gray stuff..but they don't, cuz then I'd be bald..actually i take a picture of Peyton Manning with me and say "I want it cut like this"..have you ever seen his commercial? ..."clean cut, no sideburns..I've been workin' this haircut for years"..did anyone see him when he hosted SNL? ..That was hilfeckinlarious when he was passing to the kids and they'd miss the catch..he'd be cussin' at them and make them go sit in the outhouse..can't believe you'd rather go to a dentist than a barber fiona!..I better shut up & go find my Peyton picture..c ya